One Year and Counting...Happiest first birthday, Love! :)

After the moment you were born, the next time I saw you was from afar through a glass window. Your were in your incubator. I put my hand on the glass while staring at you. God knows how much I wanted to hold you in my arms. I wanted so much to kiss you and hug you. But I knew it would be best to let you rest and build your strength. I wanted to stay in the hospital until you were ready to come home with me so that I can always come to you and I can always be only a few seconds away at any time. But we were advised that it will be better for me to recover at home. I was ready to be discharged but I will have to entrust our newborn daughter's care to strangers. Yes, they were professionals but nevertheless still strangers. 

With a very heavy heart, we came home. But all the days we were apart, there was never a day when we did not come to see you. Sometimes, we even went twice in a day. Your Papa and I would spend 30 minutes each time inside the NICU. I would talk to you, sing to you and play nursery rhymes for you while holding your warm body and your tiny hands. I wanted to lean over and kiss you many times but I knew it will have to wait. I was certain it will come, it was only a matter of time. I could not count how many times I told you how much we love you. I told you about the many adventures that we will have once you are bigger. We celebrated my first Mother's day together for an hour. You would always hold one of our fingers with your hand. And you tightened your grip everytime we would tell you it's time for us to go. It was as if you were telling us to take you home with us. It broke my heart to have to remove your hand from mine. I always assured you we will be back again same time the next day.

As we got to know you more, I also got to know the people taking care of you in the NICU. They were very supportive of me being a first time mom and they taught me how to carry you, clean your poop, feed you and many more. Once a week we would give them some pastries and snacks. It was the least we could do for the people who take such good care of the one who holds our hearts.

It was the longest month of my life. Each day was filled with uncertainty and everyone can only give us updates for the day. I felt like my heart was hanging by a thread. But I never had an ounce of doubt. I was so sure you will come home to us strong and healthy. 

Sure enough, we were told you will be ready to come home! We felt a mixture of extreme happiness and panic. Both your Papa and I are first time parents and both of us know nothing about taking care of a baby...much less a 1.63 KG preemie! We wanted to hire a midwife but we could not find one on such short notice. We just told ourselves we can do it. The couple of days before you came home were busy with shopping and cleaning. We finally got everything ready just a couple of hours before we went to the hospital to pick you up. Your Papa even bought some welcome balloons for you.

The ride home was not fun at all. I sat at the passenger seat with you in my arms while your Papa drove. It was the first time I saw him drive this slowly and cautiously. We were both nervous but typical of us, we both tried our best not to show it. 

We had to make our first and last call to the NICU a few minutes after we got home. You signaled that you were hungry so I tried to breastfeed you. But I only had so little milk that you kept on crying. We decided to open the can of preemie formula. We thought...OMG! The can does not have a scoop! Where should we get it?!!! The hospital kit did not have any either...so your Papa called up the NICU to ask. It turned out the scoop was just burried under the milk powder! We both had a good laugh. I wondered if we were the only new parents who called to ask that question. 

There were many firsts and we quickly learned so much in such a short time. We got tired, we rested and got ready for the next day. It was not always fun. Parenting comes with it's own set of challenges, especially for new parents our age. Some challenges were different for me or your Papa. But whatever the days held, we always kept in mind that we were a team. 

As days and months went by, you grew bigger...and heavier...and stronger...and healthier. For that, I am extremely thankful. 

How did you turn from a tiny preemie to this "little miss"? You came to us very small and helpless and turned into a healthy, thriving, very active and happy little girl exploding with so much energy. How did we come from you holding my finger using all of your hands to our hands intertwined while we walk side by side? How did we get from us only hearing the machines attached to your body to you babbling loudly all day? How did I get this pleasure from you sleeping all day to you always singing with me and always giving me a huge smile, an excited shriek, and a cheerful grin all day? 

Thank you for fighting with everything you had on your first month of life. For the rest of our lives, you will never have to fight a single battle alone. 

To you who make me thankful for the most trivial things everyday, you who make me aspire for greater things in life, you who make me want to live a much healthier lifestyle, you who make us laugh so hard everyday, you who make us (your Papa and I) be even closer to each other and love each other more each day, you who make me want to be a better version of me...happy, happy birthday. I promise I will be there to love you, support you and encourage you for as long as it is humanly possible for me to do so. And maybe even long after.

It is amazing how you can make us fall in love with you more every single second. I look forward to our future. Yay! We made it!

I hope you will enjoy our family celebration and I hope you will enjoy your party when we get back to Manila. We promise it'll be awesome! 

The Story of Your Birth

You came to us a little too early. I had a very healthy pregnancy and all throughout I was the happiest I had ever been. Except for the first quarter morning (more like all day) sickness, there were no mood swings, no stretch marks, no swollen feet. The very little discomfort was next to none. Work was great which was why I called you my "lucky star". We went on some trips, one was even a hiking trip on my 5th month. Your Papa had so much fun feeding me and I had so much fun eating. It was as if everything I tasted was so delicious!

That was why we were very surprised when you decided you wanted to come out way ahead of schedule. You came out on a Saturday at 31 weeks, about 2 months premature, and weighing just over a kilo. That week I did not feel strange. I had lots of energy to go about my usual schedule. 

On a Tuesday, I went to a marketing convention for a whole day and shopped for the curtains in your nursery, some other stuff for you and some pillows. 

On a Wednesday, as if I had a premonition, I decided to do your Papa's taxes even before the month-end close, some filing, accounting, encoding and posting work. I also wrote him a letter for him to open and read when I am in labor in July. 

On a Thursday I had breakfast while waiting for your Auntie Monette, then had a meeting with the BIR before shopping for some clothes for you and having lunch and halo halo for merienda. Your Auntie did not feel well when she got home because of the heat during our walk from Greenbelt 3 to Landmark. I, on the other hand, proceeded to have my nails done and have dinner with your Papa. 

On a Friday (the day before you were born) I woke up feeling great. I assembled the sewing machine that I bought online so I can sew some clothes for you and practiced my rusty sewing skills. Then, I did some light gardening to harvest my ginger and replant some of the new sprouts of the birds of paradise. I then cooked our lunch before we went to Makati. First we bought movie tickets to watch The Avengers then proceeded to Landmark to do our grocery shopping and buy some breads and snacks and our KFC Zinger meal movie food. We barely made it in time for the movie. After the movie, we went home and rested. Your Papa slept early while I stayed awake until midnight because I was excited to look for patterns for the headbands that I was planning to sew for you. 

At 3:00am, your Kuya Chopstick woke me up. He wanted to go out to pee. I opened the front door and sat down to wait for him. After he came back in, I got a Cheese floss sandwich and a glass of water and ate. I kept on going to the bathroom to pee. After a few more times, I started to be suspicious. Because I knew it was not pee anymore, I looked it up briefly and found out it might be amniotic fluid. It was 5am then. I woke your Papa up but told him I wasn't feeling any pain. He said we better go to the ER just to be sure. I though I should take a bath and pack my stuff just in case I was about to go on labor already. I had not prepared my delivery bag yet at that time. Thankfully, years of backpacking has trained me to pack swiftly and I already knew exactly what I will need for atleast 4 days. I even packed my laptop. We were calm going to the car. All throughout the ride, we were laughing and talking about this and that. I even manged to put on some makeup. 

In the hospital, I wanted to walk from the parking lot to the ER instead of being dropped off on the driveway. The nurses and the doctor in charge immediately attended to me when we got in. When the doctor checked, she looked puzzled and told me that she can feel your feet. I was already at 8cm. If you were positioned head first, you could have had a normal childbirth. The doctor kept on asking me..."Mommy, sure ka hindi masakit?". Because she said by this time it should be quite painful. But I did not feel any pain. The original plan was to give birth in another hospital but the transfer can no longer be made because there was a huge chance of me giving birth in the ambulance. I sure did not want that, so we gave our consent for me to be wheeled into the labor room. Just my luck, my doctor was in a convention in the US so you had to be delivered by a substitute doctor. 

Your Papa was not allowed to come in. I am no stranger to hospitals and operating rooms because of my prior illnesses so I was not scared at all. The clock said 6:30am. Around 10 minutes after, I started to feel some contractions. I was at 10cm by this time. It felt quite weird. I could not describe it as painful, I can only describe it as weird. I meditated as soon as I felt it and it soothed me and took my mind of it. Within less than 20 minutes, all the doctors were in. First the OB who would perform my operation. When she talked to me, I knew I had to remind her quickly before I was sedated..."Doc, bikini cut please". Then the anesthesiologist came. He oriented me in detail about what will happen. Then the NICU pediatrician came in. He will be the one to catch you when you are ready to come out. I was awake during the operation and I could hear the anesthesiologist asking the pediatrician where the Carillos are from. They were all chatting away about many things which kept me entertained. The anesthesiologist would also come to me from time to time to narrate to me what was going on. He said he will only make me sleep after I hear you cry.

At 10 minutes before 8, I heard him say..."Baby out!!!" You cried just a little, the softest and the sweetest cry that I have ever heard in my life. The anesthesiologist said..."Iyak pa, baby". I looked at you as they took you to the table to be cleaned. Then, you cried louder! 

Afterwards, I was asleep and woke up in the recovery room where the anesthesiologist was waiting to see how I was doing.

Although everything did not come as planned, from the labor day to the hospital to the doctors, everything went great and everyone was so helpful, caring and very professional. 

This beautiful memory is something that I will hold in my heart forever. I will never forget the very first time I heard your voice and laid my eyes on you.

May 2, 2015. The day we became your Mama and Papa.